A Prepublished Novel in the Process of Revisions and Rewrites

Sunday, February 1, 2009

My heart is broken...

...the loss is so painful. I'm not even sure what I want to say. Please be patient with me if I ramble.

As you are all aware, my beautiful Sheltie, GypsyLee, was diagnosed with T-cell Lymphoma in back in May, 2008. She had nasty sores on her snout but never displayed any negative signs or symptoms other than the blasted sores which would get better then flare up, then better--you get the picture. We recently did a regiment of chemo in hopes we could toss the disease into remission. She held her own and never displayed even one side effect throughout the course. The disease never seemed to abate but did not worsen.


Last weekend, my wonderful weekend with Rhonda and Liana, Gyspy had what we thought would be the final dose of medicine. This was supposed to determine whether we would obtain either fifty or one hundred per cent remission. She seemed to do well enough Saturday and Sunday, though she was tired. Saturday the sores looked beautiful like pink new baby skin and we felt so hopeful. At last, just maybe our little girl would be on the road to recovery!

Not to be...

By Monday, the lesions were back in full swing and by Tuesday, she had a horrible infection and refused to eat or drink. We rushed her to our Vet where she was given a shot of antibiotics and sent home with more. Wednesday, she became incontinent and was severely dehydrated even though we tried desperately to force feed her baby food and water.

She spent Wednesday night in the hospital receiving IV fluids and meds, and I left work to see her at noon on Thursday. She just lay there, her eyes glazed and her breathing labored. It tore my heart apart. I lay in the kennel cage with her and held her for hours. She never recovered. She did lift her head slightly which at that point I held in my hands, opened her beautiful, soft brown eyes, which appeared amazingly bright and clear and gazed into my eyes! I thought she'd awoken. I thought she was getting better, but she was saying goodbye. She passed in my arms on Thursday at 2:20pm on her own. She had just turned nine years old in December.

So my heart is broken...

I am in such a bad and painful place right now. The home I have always loved and cherished, the home I always felt so much comfort and happiness in is now an empty, depressing, and lonely place.

This is not the first time.

Nine and a half years ago, we lost our first Sheltie, Kazzy, to, believe it or not, lymphosarcoma at the age of eleven. Why do I mention this? For good reason. His passing along with my father's passing a few months prior in the year 2000 began my writing career. The pain so great, I had no way to vent my emotions. I just didn't know how I would ever survive these losses.

I finally sat down and began to journal my anger and sadness, my hurt and pain. Then I searched around for writing venues to try to keep my mind busy. I found The Writers Village University who offered F2K, a free six week writing course and joined it. We had to create a character who would introduce our own characterization to the class and post it. Guess who introduced me? Yes, Kazzy. Though I'd written in some capacity since the age of eleven. That is when I became serious about the craft. That is when I began my career and it was because of loss and pain that I picked the craft up and ran with it.

I thought it would be of interest to you all and helpful for me to vent and share my pain. Thank you for allowing me to ramble on.



  1. D~

    I am so sorry for Gypsy Lee, you and your husband. Losing your best friend/baby/ beloved pet, (all in one) leaves you in a state of melancholy for quite some time. I know. But, rest assuered, she is at peace and watching over you with a gift so few animals ever get... she was cherished and loved.
    Surround your home with her pictures and her memories of the time you had with her.
    You have my prayers.

  2. Dayana, I am crying now as I read your words. I feel your pain, because I have experienced this myself. There is nothing that anyone can say that will make you feel better. Time alone can do that.
    Try to think of the best times. How beautiful she was, how fun, and hug whoever is with you. I wish I could give you a big one. Maybe next Friday, if we meet for lunch with Jianne. I will hug you senseless!

  3. Oh, hon... I'm so sorry! An animal lover myself, I know how hard it is to loose a part of your family. With tears in my eyes I want you to know I'm thinkinf of you.
    Hang in there!

  4. I am so sorry. There are no words to really convey the pain when one loses part of themselves. It's like a big semi drove right through your chest.

    Give yourself permission to cry. It's obvious how much she loved you for how she chose to go out, with a good-bye.

    You have my prayers, and my tears for you.

  5. Very sorry to hear about your dog. It's never easy when pets go no matter what people say.


  6. I have tears in my eyes, Dayana as I read your post. Bless you. You've really been through it. I can understand and feel it. I've suffered losses lately as well. My sweet cat Ms Tiggs passed in August this year, and a favorite aunt also left me in December. I send you good thoughts in this hard time. No one can make the pain stop. But you can also, as you say, write about it. Take care of yourself. So, so sorry...

  7. I've already told you I'm sorry. But something I haven't shared is... I once read that each of our lives is like a leaf on a tree. We sprout upon a branch, grow, take in light, and then we must fall to venture on into the unknown and understand the great mystery. Gypsy Lee is off on her fantastic journey. :) Skhye

  8. I think we all shed a tear for Gypsy as we read your grief-stricken tribute to your friend. You did your best and she gave it her all.

  9. What a sad, sad time for you and yours. When she gave that last, clear-eyed look, Gypsy knew your love and found comfort in what you meant to each other. Your post is an eloquent eulogy to a dear, trusted family member. You remain in my prayers, Dayana. I'm so very sorry.

  10. I'm so sorry! My friend Cari just lost a kitty in the last few days, too. Take some time to grieve.


  11. I just read this post and all I can say is I am so very sorry for your loss. Its a hard thing to let a loved one go, animal or not. They take a piece of our heart with them thats all too noticeable and makes us vulnerable. But at least you got to say good bye and that you know your baby is not suffering anymore. She's just waiting for you on the other side, after this life. I know it cheers me to think that when I miss all my pets and babies that have passed on before me. So really it's just a "See you later" as opposed to a "Good-Bye" when someone close passes away. And somestimes knowing that makes all the difference.
    On another note, I'm sorry this post comes late. I've been having computer problems and have been offline for a while. But I'm back online now and even got your tag finally posted on my blog. Just thought I would tell you. *HUGS* I hope your smile comes back to you soon.

  12. I had a Sheltie at one time. He was a wonderful dog, so I understand your loss.

  13. So sorry to hear this, I know it's like losing family, because our pets are our family. Hold your memories close to your heart.


  14. {{{Dayana}}} I am so sorry. I had two full size collies growing up (I think one was an over-sized Sheltie, personally) and I still teary up, decades later. As I did just now, seeing Gypsy Lee's beautiful picture. She looks so much like one of ours.

    Losing a pet is losing a family member no matter what anyone says.

    hugs and condolences to you...